Mariowned
by SuperLardBucket
Summary: Princess Peach has been kidnapped... again... and Mario has to go save her from Bows- I mean- Barney the Dinosaur No, it's really Bowser. Parody of all things Mario, rated T for cursing, violence, and sex-jokes
1. Chapter 1

**Mariowned**

**I do not own Mario. Mario and all affiliated characters are owned by Nintendo. As I don't feel like typing this 100 times, this phrase shall be represented by the phrase "Super Dancing Thunder Muffins" in future chapters**

**Well, this is the 2****nd****of the 3 different stories I'm considering writing next. I thought I'd get back to basics, since my first story "BS no Jutsu" was my first and most successful. So, I thought I'd try to apply the same humor to a new franchise, so why not Mario? Note: this fan fiction is not for everyone. It contains cursing plumbers, homicidal brothers, mentally challenged princesses, turtle-dragons obsessed with bestiality, orgasming ?-blocks, and may cause seizures and the death of your beloved childhood memories, leaving only the ones that involve Michael Jackson molesting you… Enjoy…**

**Chapter 1**

It was a normal day in the home of Mario Mario, so Mario was obviously quite stressed. A normal day meant that, any minute now, that turtle-lizard-dragon thing was going to show up and kidnap that dumb bitch that had the IQ of an orange, 5 points less than necessary to have any kind of human reaction to your boyfriend saving you from a monster. The only reason Mario didn't leave her was because the only living things around besides her were his brother, some mushrooms, some brown mushrooms, and some turtles, and I'm pretty sure you can go to jail for having sex with any of those.

So, Mario sat, waiting to get the inevitable call from Toadsworth that Peach had been kidnapped again, and he'd have to go off on some grand adventure and fight 7-8 bosses who each guarded a weird star, because it is always stars, which he needed for some inconsequential reason before he went off to save Peach.

"Oops-eh. Mario's got to tie-a his-a shoe…" Mario noted to himself before bending over to tie his aforementioned shoe. While tying said shoe, Mario noticed the air above his head get very hot. When he came back up from his exciting foot-based adventure, there was a scorch mark on the wall in front of him. He turned around to see Luigi holding a flamethrower.

"Luigi! Put-a that damn thing away before-a you hurt some-a-one…" Mario chastised. "Sorry Mario. There was-a a bug on de wall… yeah… dat's-a it…" Luigi responded wryly. '_Damn-a… I'm-a never going to get-a my own-a game… True, I did get-a that one game, but it-a was all about-a finding-a Mario. It's al-a-ways about finding-a Mario. Mario, Mario, Mario… Can't-a wait-a to kill that-a son-a of a bitch-a…'_

"Luigi, whadda de hell is you a-talkin- about-a?" Mario asked. "Oops-eh, dat was-a supposed ta stay in-a Luigi's-a thoughts-a" Luigi replied. The ensuing awkward silence was soon broken by a ring of the telephone. "Master Mario!" Toadsworth shouted from the other end, "You have to come quick! Peach is in terrible danger! And as much as we'd like to just let Bowser have her and let this damn franchise end, Nintendo won't let us because, apparently, people are still paying good money for these half-assed games whose only redeeming quality is being in 3-D!"

"All-a-right-a Toadsworth, but Mario swears-a to God! Dat-a stupid-a bitch-a better-a freakin' put out-a dis-a time… Let's-a go Luigi!" "Okey-dokey!"

And with that, our heroes were off on another pointless, generic story to save someone that everyone wished would just freaking die already.

Meanwhile… there he stood… Towering over the cowering toads with evil energy (No, wait… that's poot-gas…) was the evil… the malicious… the destructive… Barney the Dinosaur!

"My name's Bowser you son of a bitch!"

Well, I say you're Barney the Dinosaur, so you're Freaking Barney the Dinosaur!

With a sigh of surrender, Barney the Dinosaur turned to Peach and began an evil monologue. "Oh damn it… Anyway… It seems you are in my clutches once again Peach… And this time, Mario isn't going to save you, even though I haven't changed anything at all since the last time he saved you. What do you say to that?" "Applesauce!" she replied, obviously too stupid to register what was going on.

"Um… why do you want to kidnap her again?" a koopa troopa asked Barney the Dinosaur, who responded with a long glare of anger followed by setting him on fire. "Um, sir, Mario's coming… along with some guy in green no one cares about…" a second troopa informed him. "Good…" Bowser growled. "But sir," the inquisitive koopa began, "Mario's almost definitely going to kick all our asses when he gets here, and we already have the princess… Shouldn't we just leave?" "SILENCE!!" Barney shouted. "… I rule you…"

The first, charred koopa then spoke up, saying "Hey! How come when he speaks up, he just gets a slap on the wrist and I get blown up!? If you ask me-" the koopa would have finished that statement, had he not been pushed off the airship that Barney was apparently standing on.

"Now!" Barney then shouted, "Man the guns! When Mario gets here, we're gonna blow him to smithereenees!" "But sir, he's already here!" a goomba said, pointing to the plumber. (something very hard to do, for indeed, goombas have no arms. As to what he was using to point, we will leave to your perverted imagination) "JESUS FREAKING CHRIST!!" Barney shouted at the top of his lungs, offending several nuns who responded by throwing nun-items at Barney.

"It's-a me! Mario!" the plumber shouted. Still being pelted by nun-items, Barney responded "I know, you tell me every damn time you show up!" "All-a-right Bowser, I'm-a gonna kick-a your fat-a turtle-dragon-a thing-ass…" "I'll never give up Peach!" Barney shouted in retaliation. "You can-a have her, I just-a want to-a beat-a you up. I'm-a bored of all-a these-a damn Go-kart races"

"You can't have Peach!" Barney shouted, obviously not listening to a word Mario said. "I don't-a want her… Luigi! I'll-a play-a with you later-a! I'm-a in the middle-a some-a-thing!" Mario shouted to his brother, who was stabbing him in the back of the head with a plastic spoon.

"Don't-a worry Peach-a! I'm-a gonna save-a you for-a some-a reason beyond-a me-a!" "Butterflies!" Peach responded jubilantly. "Stupid-a freakin' Bitch-a" Mario muttered. "You can't save her this time Mario! I put Peach in a magic barrier, which can only be opened with 7 generic star-things, which are being guarded in super-secret fortresses by powerful boss-characters, which you'll never find without a map… Here's a map…" Barney proclaimed to his foe.

"Wait-a, doesn't it-a kind of-a kill de story if-a de villain helps me to-a foil him?" Mario asked curiously. "Look, this is a Mario game… there's not gonna be much of a story anyway." Barney grunted in response. "But I-a think de fans would-a welcome a decent-a story as-a a nice-a change-a pace-a…" "Screw your story! You wanna story!? Here's your story! Evil turtle-guards over there; kill they ass! THAT'S YOUR DAMN STORY!!" Barney shouted before kicking the Mario brothers off his airship and flying away.

"Well-a Luigi, it looks-a like-a we're off on another-a stupid-a, monotonous adventure…" Mario muttered as he watched Barney fly away. "Well-a, at-a least-a we have-a each other-a Mario." Luigi replied joyfully. "I love-a you Luigi." "I love-a you too Mario…"

And at that, the two brothers joined in a loving, heartfelt embrace.

'_I swear-a to God, I'm-a gonna kill-a you, you son-a of bitch-a…' _Luigi thought to himself.

_Well, that's chapter 1 of Mariowned: one of 3 stories I may potentially work on, based on the results of the poll. Read all 3 stories, once they're out, and vote on which one you want continued, although all will be continued eventually._

_In the next chapter, Mario and Luigi travel to the first boss, who has the power to control gravity. How can our heroes face such a foe. Meanwhile, Barney the Dinosaur tries to get busy with Peach, who's too much of a dumb bitch to know what the Hell's goin' on. Will Mario prevail? Will Bowser score? Will Luigi kill Mario and take the spotlight? Find out next time._

_Oh noes! All of your childhood memories have been killed, except for the ones of Michael Jackson molesting you. But wait! There's a button that says "Go" Click it to make the Michael Jackson memories "Go" away, then type what you thought of this chapter to make new, happy memories._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: A villain that defies gravity!?! Unleash the Power of Mario's fat ass!**

**Disclaimer: Super Dancing Thunder Muffins**

And so, our heroes began their long, hard journey. The road stretched out before them, long and narrow. But our heroes stood tall and stiff to meet the hard challenge that awaited them with eager anticipation… Erection…

"Dis is going to take-a a long-a time… Isn't it Luigi?" the older brother asked. "Oh, I don't-a know Mario… Dis-a adventure is-a a lot like-a life… you never-a know when it will-a abrupt-a-ly end…" the younger of the two replied, sharpening his hammer.

"Hey Luigi! Look over there-a!" Mario shouted, pointing to a block suspended in the sky. "It's-a one-a those-a blocks that spit out-a the power ups when we-a hit them…"

Mario rushed over and jumped, hitting the block with all his force. Boing! He was, however, not rewarded with a mushroom. All that happened was the sound "Oh yeah…" "What-a the Hell?" Mario asked, hitting the block again. Boing! "Oh yeah!" Boing! "Oh God!" Boing! "Right there!" Boing! "That's the ticket!" Boing! "Oh God…" Boing! "I think I'm gonna…" Boing! "OH YEAH!!!"

At that the mushroom popped out, which Mario immediately grabbed. As he stuffed it in his overalls, the block asked him, "Was that as good for you as it was for me?" "Dat's-a da most-a disturbing-a thing I've-a ever-a seen in-a my life-a!" Luigi shrieked.

Meanwhile, Alf the alien- "My name's Barney the Dino- I mean- My name's Bowser you jackass!" Tough! I say you're Alf! So shut up and rape a cat! "Alf didn't rape cats!" Then what did he do with them? "He… ate them or something, I don't know…"

Grunting, Alf made his way down the hallway of his mighty castle, perched atop a roaring volcano… because when Alf builds a castle, he never thinks about resale value. Opening a door at the end of the hallway, he walked slowly towards the dungeon, stopping only to tell the guards, "No disturbances…"

He then went into the dungeon…

Sitting in her cell, Peach stared out at the stars. Of course she was worried. She'd been kidnapped by a horny turtle-dragon. But deep down, she knew her knight in shining armor would come and save her. She stared at the moon, taking in its intoxicating light, and wondered if Mario was looking at the same moon at the same moment.

Okay, actually, the dumb bitch just thought it looked like a sugar cookie, but it sounds more romantic this way.

As she stared, literally into space, drooling, Alf made his way into her cell and deactivated her little force-shield. "My now, Peach, we simply must stop meeting like this…" "Coconuts…" "Yes, they certainly are…" Alf replied, staring hungrily at Peach's bassoons. "So, my dear, how is this fine evening treating you?" "M&M's!"

"Yes indeed… Peach, I… I know I'm not Mario… I know he's your true love… but from the first time I laid eyes on you, I've pined for you every second. I think about you as I drift to sleep, and when I'm eating my dinner, I use my fork to carve your face into my mashed potatoes… I know you could never spend your life with me, you being a princess, me being a turtle-dragon. But I'd be happy with just one night…"

As Alf said this, he didn't realize that Peach hadn't heard a single word, because she'd been too busy trying to touch her tongue to her elbow. Wondering why Peach hadn't responded, Alf quickly realized, "Oh of course, you're a classy kind of girl… You want to be serenaded first…"

At that, Bowser produced a guitar out of thin air. Using his claws as picks, he began to play and sing in a very deep voice. "_I love you baby, but all I can think about is… Kielbasa Sausage! Your butt cheeks is warm… I check my dipstick; you need lubrication honey! My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform! Now I've set loose-a! I'm shooting my juice-a! Right in your caboose; now get it on!"_ Unfortunately, Alfdidn't see Peach walk off, following a butterfly. "Pretty!"

The next morning, Mario and Luigi awoke from their slumber at camp. After eating breakfast (and Luigi "accidentally" shoving Mario onto the camp fire), the two brothers made their way through the forest. After what seemed like hours of walking, the two found a clearing, with a castle in the middle.

"Luigi! I think this-a is the place-a!" Mario shouted. "Let's-a go inside!"

As he said this, Luigi was taking in his surroundings. The fire breathing gargoyle statues, the armed guards, the death lasers, all of these things reminded Luigi of why he wasn't the main character. He was a chicken. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" he screamed as he ran off into a bush.

"Luigi! Let's-a go!" Mario screamed. "The number-a you have-a dialed is-a not-a connected! Please hang-a up and-a try again-a!" the younger brother replied from his hiding place. "Fine, if that's-a the way you-a feel…" Mario mumbled.

Soon after, Luigi could hear rustling right outside his bush. He could see dirt getting kicked up too. He poked his head out of his hiding place to find that the bush had been dragged inside the castle. Luigi shrieked like a girl and tried to run, but Mario grabbed his collar and held him in place. "AAAH!!! THEY'VE-A GOT-A ME IN-A SOME-A KINDA TRACTOR BEAM!!! I CAN'T-A BREAK FREE!!!" "Luigi! You are-a embarrassin-a me-a!"

As they ran down the hallway, Mario noticed a chain chomp ahead. As the creature drew back to attack, Mario quickly leapt over his foe, whose chain prevented him from grabbing him. "Damn it!" "What's-a wrong?" Mario asked. "You guys jump over me every time! I don't know why Bowser puts this damn chain on my body!" The chomp responded. Luigi pondered aloud, "You know? I've-a noticed-a that-a…" The chomp continued his tirade. "Everyone's noticed it! Bowser makes things so much harder for everyone than they need to be! And when I can't catch you, he yells at me! It's not my fault! He should take the damn chain off! Or at least make it longer! Or better yet, give us guns! Guns would make things so much simpler! But no! Guns are too expensive. He buys some guys hammers, but that's about it! Screw this; I'm going to Taco Bell…" The chomp then detached his chain and ran off to get his fake Mexican food, leaving the Mario Bros. wondering why he hadn't just detached the chain before they showed up.

After making their way past several, highly ineffective traps and monsters, the two brothers found themselves in a big, dark room. There were two doors on opposite ends of the room, with bridges going to a platform suspended in the middle. Below this, a molten lake of lava flowed. As the brothers made their way to the center, the opposite door opened, and out stepped their opponent: a big block with arrows pointing to the ground all around his body and weird arms and legs that looked like they were made of confetti strung together.

"You've done well to make it this far, but now, you will face the wrath of Gravitos!" the block shouted. "Who's-a Gravitos?" asked Luigi. "I am!" the block retaliated. "Well-a then, why didn't you-a say you will-a now face-a my wrath?" Mario questioned. "Because then you wouldn't know my name…" Gravitos answered. Luigi then replied, "Well, you could-a have just-a said 'My name is-a Gravitos, and you-a will-a now feel my-a wrath'… You didn't need to-a refer-a to-a yourself in-a de third-a person…" "True," Gravitos replied, "but this way it sounds so much more ominous, and it takes less time." Mario said in response, "But it's actually-a taking-a more time, because-a you-a have to explain-a it-a to us-a." "No," Gravitos growled, "because it should have been obvious that I was referring to myself, and it's only taking this long because I have to freaking explain everything to you like a bunch of two-year-old ba- Oh what am I doing? DIE!"

At that, Gravitos launched himself at the Bros. "All-a right-a Luigi. I-a hope you-a gotta my back-a…" Mario whispered, taking a battle stance. Luigi could not respond, as he was too busy looking back and forth at his brother and the giant block charging at them, with a terrified look on his face. "Ready Luigi?" the older brother asked. The younger brother responded by screaming at the top of his lungs, jumping onto the ground, and putting his hands over his head.

"Oh, you-a use-a-less green mother-a fu-" Mario shouted before being cut off by Gravitos punching him in the face and sending him flying. As he spun through the air, Mario stretched out his hands and grabbed the platform to stabilize himself. Anticipating Gravitos's next attack, Mario launched himself into the air, barely avoiding his opponent's double overhead smash attack into the ground below.

Using gravity to his advantage, Mario launched himself at Gravitos. He was caught off guard, however, when the arrows on Gravitos pointed upward, and he found himself slowing down, before finally being launched up towards the ceiling. Caught off guard, Mario had no choice but to take the brunt of his head smashing into the ceiling, as Gravitos gracefully joined him (and Luigi slammed into the ceiling next to him, arms and legs flailing.) "I see you've noticed my special ability. As long as I am in this fortress, all gravity is completely under my control. Wa-ha-ha-ha!"

Picking himself up, Mario began a spinning attack at Gravitos, but Gravitos switched the gravity again, this time to the left of the room. Expecting the attack this time, Mario was able to use his spin to temporarily defy gravity and knock Gravitos into the opposite wall. Gravity now catching up with him, Gravitos was drawn back towards the wall he had specified as the center of gravity, where Mario was waiting for him with his trusty hammer. As Mario swung, Gravitos reversed gravity, drawing Mario towards him. With the distance of Mario's swing now misjudged, it was easy for Gravitos to counter by bringing a knee into his stomach.

Gravitos then sent the gravity back down into the floor. Looking down, Mario noticed that he was above not the platform, but rather the lake of lava. Thinking quickly, Mario swung his hammer into the platform and impaled it in the bricks, thus saving himself. He pulled himself back up to solid ground, and launched at flying kick at the unsuspecting Gravitos.

Caught off guard, Gravitos was sent flying into the lava lake. But, at the last second, he saved himself by reversing the gravity into the ceiling, avoiding a molten death.

It was clear that the two were equally matched. That is, until Gravitos spoke up. "You've been a formidable opponent Mario, but I know all about you. I know that without your ability to jump, you're completely helpless! So, witness my ultimate technique!"

After his speech, the arrows on Gravitos's body got thicker. Mario noticed himself feeling weaker and weaker, until it was almost impossible for him to stand up. "Wh-What-a the hell-a is this-a!?!" he shouted. "HA HA HA!!! I've increased the gravity to ten times the normal amount, something I'm sure you're not used to. I, meanwhile, can still move freely and 100 times normal gravity! You're doomed Mario! Give up!"

Gravitos then leapt into the air and began falling downward at Mario; Mario tried to escape, but didn't have the strength and was crushed under Gravitos's new weight. "Ooh, I really felt the bones break on that one… HA HA!" the villain chuckled as he picked up Mario, who was now limp. He then began smashing our hero into the ground over and over and over.

Mario could feel himself getting weaker. He had to do something quickly, but what? His hammer was back down on the platform, and he couldn't get to it unless Gravitos reversed the gravity again, something he wasn't likely to do with such an advantage. Luigi was completely useless. If only he could turn Gravitos's abilities against him somehow. Wait! That was it!

"Well Mario, it's been fun, but I think it's time to end this…" the villain chuckled. "This is my favorite attack right here…" The arrows on Gravitos pointed to the ground, then began switching rapidly when the two combatants reached the very center of the room, thus suspending the two in mid-air. Unable to grab a foothold, Mario was unable to defend himself as Gravitos unleashed a flurry of punches and kicks.

"MARIO!!!" Luigi shouted. '_If-a Gravitos-a kills him, then-a the-a player will-a just use-a one of their-a lives… I-a have to be-a the one to kill him!' _'_Gotta time-a this-a just-a right…'_ Mario thought, watching Gravitos's arrows fly. Seizing the moment, Mario reached into his pocket.

"Now! Mario! Prepare to-" Before he could finish, Gravitos was cut off by a giant fist slamming him into the ceiling. Mario had eaten the mushroom from earlier and become Super Mario. He'd then used precise timing to grab the platform with one hand and smash Gravitos into the ceiling with the other at the exact moment that the gravity began to flow towards the ceiling.

"EAT THIS BITCH-A!" Mario shouted, pushing Gravitos up through the roof. With no roof to hold him, Gravitos began floating up into the sky. "Oh no! I have to save myself!" he shouted. He tried to reverse the direction of gravity, but found himself still floating. He then increased the power of gravity, all the way up to 400 times normal gravity, but still he floated.

"You said-a it-a yourself-a Gravitos! You can-a only control gravity when-a you in this-a room!" Mario shouted as he reached up to grab his opponent. He then pulled Gravitos and stuck him right under his ass. Now inside the room, Gravitos's powers took full effect, and Mario's giant fat ass slammed into him at 400 times normal gravity, killing him instantly.

Without Gravitos, gravity returned to normal. "Yay! We-a did it-a Mario!" Luigi shouted with joy. "What do you mean-a we? You spent the whole-a fight shaking in the corner you-a use-a-less bastard!!!" Mario shouted in retort, now back to normal size. 'You're-a right-a Mario. I'll a try-a to be more-a brave… And by that I mean kill-a you…" "What?" "What?"

Meanwhile, in his castle, Alf watched the whole thing on his crystal ball. "Wait, we have a crystal ball?" asked a goomba. "Yeah, apparently," replied a koopa. "Mario has defeated Gravitos…" Alf pondered. "Well, what did you expect when you gave him a freaking map?" the goomba asked. "I didn't ask for your opinion goomba!" Alf shouted. "Just like how your mother didn't ask for you." The goomba replied. "Wha- Didja- GAH!!!" Alf replied.

"Nice one Goomba…"

"Thanks Koopa…"

"Mario… you shall not survive my wrath…"

_Well, that was awesome… Next time, Mario finds his first star-thingy and moves on to look for number two. But an evil force is watching. Can Mario defeat an opponent who he can't even see? Find out next time. Until then, take care and God Bless you all._

_Oh no! Funimation just signed a contract to make an American dub of Strike Witches: The worst anime ever! But hark! A button that says "review" Press it, and you'll be taken to a magical land where strike witches and all its 11-year old girls wearing revealing bikinis with jet packs for legs can't hurt you._


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